Ask the Rabbi: Jewish Perspectives on Modern Dating

Jewish tradition has thousands of years of wisdom about love, marriage, and relationships. Here are answers to the questions modern Jewish singles ask most often, drawing on halacha, midrash, and rabbinic teaching.

Q: Is online dating kosher?

A: Yes. The medium through which you meet someone is less important than the intentions you bring to dating. Jewish law (halacha) cares about the purpose and conduct of courtship, not whether introductions happen in person or online. Many leading rabbis today actively encourage Jewish singles to use online platforms to expand their pool of potential matches, particularly in communities where the local dating pool is small.

Q: How long should we date before getting engaged?

A: Traditional halacha does not specify a minimum dating period, but wisdom suggests taking enough time to truly know a person's character — not just their charm. The Talmud teaches "chazon ish" — look carefully before you commit. Most rabbis recommend at least several months of serious dating, meeting each other's families, and discussing the major life questions (children, observance, finances, where to live) before engagement.

Q: What is shmirat negiah and should I follow it?

A: Shmirat negiah is the traditional practice of refraining from physical contact with members of the opposite sex until marriage. It is observed across a spectrum — some observe it strictly, others partially. If this practice is important to you, be upfront about it early in a relationship. If your date observes it and you do not, that is an important compatibility conversation to have honestly.

Q: My parents disapprove of who I am dating. What should I do?

A: Kibbud av va'em — honoring your parents — is a central Jewish value. But Jewish law also recognizes that choosing a life partner is ultimately the individual's decision. The ideal is to involve your parents respectfully, listen to their concerns seriously, and where possible, work toward understanding. However, a parent's disapproval based on factors like ethnicity or background — rather than genuine character concerns — should be weighed carefully against your own judgment and the Torah's emphasis on judging each person as an individual.

Q: Is it okay to marry a less observant Jew?

A: This is one of the most nuanced questions in Jewish dating. The primary concern is: can you build a Jewish home together? Can you agree on how to raise your children? If the answer is yes — if there is genuine mutual respect for each other's practices and a shared commitment to Jewish identity — then many rabbinic authorities would say the relationship can work. The key is honesty before marriage, not hope that the other person will change.

Q: What makes a Jewish marriage strong?

A: The Talmud teaches that when husband and wife merit it, the Shekhinah (Divine Presence) rests between them. The Hebrew word for man (ish) and woman (isha) each contain letters that spell God's name — and without those letters, only "fire" remains. Jewish marriage is built on three pillars: shared values, mutual respect, and the presence of something larger than both partners — whether you call that God, tradition, or the Jewish people.

"A man should love his wife as himself and honor her more than himself." — Talmud, Yevamot 62b

The answers above represent general perspectives drawn from traditional Jewish sources. For personal halachic guidance, please consult your local rabbi.